Hi guys,

I'm a potential FL owner with a bit of a problem, and I've joined the forum here in search of some insight and maybe a bit of advice.

My girlfriend and I are each others' first sexual partners, and we're both young and healthy (I'm 23, she's a bit younger). Basically what we've discovered is that she can't get me off - not with her hands, not when we're having sex. The only way I can get off is to handle myself, which she was cool with for a while, but it's starting to frustrate her to the point of affecting her desire to fool around with me. It's not affecting our actual relationship just yet, but we've definitely hit a bit of a wall here.

I did some research, and it turns out it's a condition called delayed ejaculation, or retarded ejaculation. There's a few causes for it (see the wikipedia article), but the most common cause is pretty much getting so used to jerking yourself off that actual sex - or even just someone else stroking you - doesn't feel nearly as good as doing it yourself. Nobody knows you better than yourself, but now that's making it hard for me to include someone else in the fun of getting me off.

To fix it I've basically got to train myself to get off on far less stimulation than I can provide with my finely tuned Mark 1 hand. A friend's suggested I try masturbating with the same condoms I use for sex to best replicate the sensation of actual sex, and it was only a short hop from there to thinking a Fleshlight could help me out. I've actually sort of wanted one for a while, so this is as good an excuse as any

I want a Fleshlight that's as close to the real thing in feel as possible, without being particularly designed for stimulation. My problem certainly isn't stamina, it's exactly the opposite. :/ I'm thinking an Original might be good, but I'd feel pretty silly if I got one and it wasn't enough for me either. The Lotus is attractive given the intended realism, but I'm kind of small down there and wouldn't get the full effect I don't think. Small as I am, my girl's kinda tight too, so maybe one of the simpler tighter ones?... Too many options. What do you guys reckon?

I have precious little experience with sex, and zero experience of toys like this, so it'd be great to get suggestions/opinions/introspective questions from anyone who knows about both and thinks they might be able to help. And anyone curious about delayed ejaculation, feel free to ask about it and I'll tell you what I can.

Delayed ejaculation's been mentioned a few times on the fleshlight forums before, both AU and US, but I've read all I could find on the topic and haven't come up with the answers I want. What I'm thinking is if I keep this updated and it helps me out in the end, other guys with the same problem could get help a little easier in future.

Welcome to the forums KT.

You would be surprised how often we get this question asked, whether thru the forums or privately thru support emails.

As you said, you've become too used to masturbating urself. The best way to get passed this is to stop with the hand completely and just use a fleshlight or have actual sex. You need to train urself to finish without your hand, and it will take time.

The original fleshlight is probably not the best one to use for training to do this, but it can do the job. Either the stamina training unit or one of the fleshlight girls with the lotus sensation would be best. Don't expect to finish str8 away in these either as they are close to the real thing so your until you've resensitized your penis it may take awhile.

Hope that helps you make a decision

faz

Mhmm. Even using the Fleshlight with your hand rather than thrusting into it hands-free you can really control the speed and angle etc. I took a long time to climax hands-free but I've never had problems with using the Fleshlight with my hand tho. Also, like Faz, I wouldn't recommend the smooth inserts. Go for one of the ones with texture. They are just more fun.

Thanks for the suggestions guys. I decided to go with a wonder wave, we'll see how this goes. Will report back!

I finally got time to try it out. Initial report: It's fantastic.

The fleshlight is physically a LOT bigger than I pictured it would be. I guess it has to be of a certain... accomodating size, but wow. Wrapping my hand around the thinner handle bit, my fingers don't reach my thumb. The head is actually so big it doesn't fit in the drawer I'd figured to store it in, but that's not a problem. It doesn't weigh as much as it looks like it should though, and I didn't have a problem physically handling it at any point.

The bigger-than-expected thing could be do with my own size. I'm about 5" long. Probably if I was to ever replace my current FL I'd probably get a Sex in a Can from the US store just due to its smaller size. There's a lot of length to mine that I'll never get to use, which is partly why I didn't get a really complicated insert (much of it would be essentially wasted on me). Have you guys considered doing a size survey on the forums here to gauge interest in getting SIACs to sell in Australia? Being a small guy who's tried out the full-size thing, I'd recommend anyone who's of average-or-lower length to strongly consider one of those instead.

That said, I'm not sure I'd ever want a *tighter* fleshlight, and I dunno how the SIACs compare. My wonder wave feels about juuust right for me in terms of width. Maybe even a bit too tight; I'd never really noticed, but my head gets really sensitive to touch right after I came. Is this a common thing? It was actually uncomfortable, almost hurting to move around in the thing after I'd cum, to the point where it dulled my orgasm a bit. Not that it didn't feel great regardless... I'll get used to dealing with it, I'm sure.

Moving onto the effects of DE... I think I've made a good choice getting my FL. Using it is a LOT less intense than using my hand, as intended, but it definitely felt gooood.

I think I was only peripherally aware of the actual wonder wave texture. I could tell it definitely wasn't smooth and flat in there, but I had to concentrate really hard on what I was feeling to get any idea of what was in there. I guess that's probably how it's meant to be, otherwise it'd probably be too distracting. All I know is I like the overall feel.

It took me a good 25-30 minutes to bring myself to orgasm with it the first time, with a little help from some porn to keep myself more focused, without using my hand except for a bit of playing around beforehand. I'll say straight out that actual sex with my GF does feel better, which will be helpful with my DE, but at least my FL's not going to complain if I take half an hour to cum.

This will sound incredibly obvious, but plain old 'hand solo' is so very, very different to sex or even playing with a fleshlight. Now that I've experienced all of the above, I realise I really was using masturbation as a means to an end, really missing out on a lot of the fun and disadvantaging myself in a big way. I'd worried about how good or maybe bad my FL was going to feel, I'd worried I wouldn't actually enjoy it, but obviously I was worrying too much. I reckon I can see light at the end of the tunnel here for me and my stupid delayed ejaculation.

Welcome kt2501, to the forums.

I'm pleased to hear that you are glad you got your WW, and that you think it will help; but DON'T call your problem stupid. It's quite common, I understand, and I am SURE that you will be rid of it - but not too much. The men with the "opposite" problem are the ones who have trouble satisfying their ladies, and that can be much harder to overcome...

Please keep in touch on the forum, not just to let us know how it goes, but to join in. As you may see, I chat on here a lot (too much) and it's an interesting and friendly place.

Regards,

jonnyW

Ha, that's funny if she complains about you taking half an hour to cum. A lot of guys would like to last even 15min!

With the whole being sensitive after orgasm thing, I think that will just improve with experience with the Fleshlight.

thanx for that feedback KT

I think with the sex in a can's you would find they are tighter than the normal fleshlights. We have been considering stocking them, but to date we have only had about 4 people ask for them. The US company has a minimum purchase order for them and knowing that last time we stocked them, they sat on the shelf for months past the discontinuing time we ended up basically giving them away at a sexpo.

More than likely these will be short term items, more of a collectors type of purchase and they will be removed after a few more months. Don't quote me on this, but it seems to be the way with them.

Hmm, this is in danger of turning into a journal. Sorry if this gets a bit graphic at any point, but this seems to be the best place for this and it's really helping me.

This week's update... things are going alright. I haven't had the opportunity to use my FL again - it takes a bit of time and planning to get the most out of it and I don't live alone. Have to say I have gone back to using my hand a few times this week, partly for a bit of stress relief (it's been insane at work lately) but partly because it's a bit easier and faster.

Things were a bit rocky with my girlfriend this week. I'd explained my problem to her a couple of weeks ago, but it's taken her until now to really believe what I was saying and understand things properly. I think at one point she was convinced I wasn't attracted to her anymore, and that I was trying to hide it by coming up with this problem as an excuse.

We hadn't really sorted things out by the time I mentioned I'd bought a fleshlight (we're very open with each other about such things and it never crossed my mind to try hiding it from her indefinitely). I'd mentioned fleshlights in passing in some unrelated conversation ages ago so she knew vaguely what I was talking about, and being basically a fake pussy she decided it meant I was giving up on her. It was bad, but we talked things out that night and she apologised for overreacting.

I'm still not 100% sure exactly what she thinks of it (I haven't physically shown it to her - I planned on doing that because I figured she'd think it was hot, but maybe I'll wait and see if she asks about it), but she seems to be pretty accepting of the idea for now, and we're back to being 100% comfortable with each other.

That made a huge difference when we got together today (we didn't have the opportunity of being together on V-day this year, not that either of us really cares about it), because we had the best sex we've had in a long time. I didn't come, but she did twice, so that was great. My fleshlight obviously hasn't made any big difference yet, but so far it's helped her understand what my problem is and it's helped lower the pressure on me to perform, so I was happier and more relaxed and it was great for both of us.

Afterwards, she tried to get me off with her hand, but tired out before I could get close to finishing. Interestingly I then tried to finish myself off, but couldn't do it either, despite having done that before with her. I put it down to both of us being a bit worn out, and she was actually distracting me a bit while trying to be more helpful and enticing herself. It wasn't anywhere near as awkward as it used to be though, and we didn't let it bother us.

fazman: Fair enough about the SIACs. I know a little about trying to keep stock of odd items, and I can empathise with you about the pain it must be occasionally.

jonnyW, lordoth: Heh, it's definitely one problem I'm happy not to deal with. I don't mean to trivialise it at all, but it does seem to look greener on the other side from both sides of the fence with this one.

I'm definitely no expert on sex (not yet anyhow ), but I can say given some experience with my FL that using a condom makes things a lot less intense. My GF's not on the pill for a couple of reasons I won't go into here, so I'm stuck with them for the time being, but I can tell it'd be a lot easier for me to orgasm during sex if we weren't using them.

Yeah, flesh against flesh is the way sex is meant to be. I've never heard anyone that prefers it with a condom for pleasure reasons, but I'm sure there are some.

I am not surprised she was a little upset about the Fleshlight. If you have a good sexual relationship where everybody climaxes left, right, & centre she would probably just think your a guy who likes to get off a lot so you need some additional stimulation when your partner is not around. But, if there is a problem such as yours (and mine), she thinks she is doing something wrong. When I was with my girlfriend last year she said something like "Do you cum with your torch thingy?" in a slightly annoyed tone, because I didn't with her. It was all my fault, but my reasons was that I simply was not attracted to her. Although I have yet to prove this theory as I have not had another partner since her. But hands-free fleshlighting has been far more successful than when I was with her, which I hope and think would replicate the results in the bedroom with a real partner (that i was attracted to!)

Though this is not you case, I was just explaining my problem.
It is good to see you guys were able to talk through your issues.

About the "inability to move" and the sensitivity after cumming: I find this happens with my Tera Patrick - the TWISTA - to a far greater extent than with the other textures I have (Original, WW and Lotus). I still prefer to play with the Lotus, most of the time.

This is exactly my problem as well! Delayed ejaculation.

I got the STU thinking I wouldn't last long in bed, well guess what I can go for an hour in bed and not come close to cumming.

The first time I used the STU it took me about 30-40 mins to cum, then the next times after that about 10-15mins when I got used to it a bit.
But during actual sex I just can't seem to finish. I have masturbated a lot by myself over the years and I can finish within 5 mins by myself. If I can cum with a fleshlight why not with a real girl. I don't really get it.

Even her trying to get me off doesn't work although I did come close. Now after I've just had sex my balls are sore and I'm just frustrated. She seems happy enough although I'm sure she would like a quickie once in a while.

What am I supposed to do ? I even stopped masturbating for several days beforehand and stopped using my hand completely, yet still no luck.

Will this just take time ? At the moment I've even stopped using the fleshlight as I want to be as horny as possible for our next sex session

I would never have thought that I would say this but DAMN I last TOO LONG in bed!!

f1player, welcome to the forums.

First thing you're going to need to do is not using ur hand ever again. You have desensitized your penis to real stimulation and the only thing that works for you easily now is your hand.

Try to only use your fleshlight and have real sex. Its going to take time, but it will all come back eventually.

Finally it happened today! I thought it would take longer but 11 days without masturbating did the trick . I was finally able to finish during sex.

To be honest I don't know how I lasted that long without jacking off but it's all worth it in the end. To other guys out there STOP USING YOUR HAND! It's nothing like real sex and only screws up ur penis to a point where u dont feel a thing. Good thing its reversible!


Thanks for the advice, I don't think I'll ever use my hand ever again.

glad it worked for you so quickly.

I used to have the same problem, first few times I couldn't finish and she couldn't walk. I still can't finish when she's giving head. It is from using the hand too much and desensitising, circumcision also desensitises. (It's like cutting your ears off so you dont have to clean behind them, stupid butchery!)

I have exactly the same thing with the WW, just cant move when you blow, the lotus is better if you take really short strokes when you cum. The thing with the lotus is those extra chambers are pretty much useless.
Different lubes and different amounts of added water will change how the WW feels, sometimes you hit on the right mix to feel the bumps.

Try the latex free condoms with your GF, I find they give me more sensation. The end moves a round a bit.
Talk to her, explain that you got the FL to use instead of your hand to improve sensitivity. It's no different to a chick having a vibrator. There is this huge stigma associated with mens sex toys for some reason. It took a while for my girl to get over the ickyness she felt, now she actually holds the FL for me if she gets worn out before I finish, she enjoys watching.

Try different things with her too, there might be a particular position which works better for you, even where she puts her hands and legs and where she touches you. the added sensation of her hands on you helps. With practice you will get quicker.
Try her sitting up almost vertical on the edge of the couch with pillows behind with you kneeling on the floor. Her pubic bone will apply pressure increasing sensation for you.

Try not drinking alcohol, even one beer makes a big difference, same with tobacco.

In my case I don't think it was alcohol or smoking as I don't really do either. It was just a matter of getting used to the hand so much, but anyway it's all fixed now and quicker than I thought

What I was wondering though is to other people does the STU feel better (more intense) than a real pussy ? I would say that if you only look at the feeling you have on your penis when you're thrusting the STU feels more intense and you cum quicker. I guess that's why they say last 10 min with STU you can last 20 min with anyone. But obviously sex is still better because you have much better visuals, touching, feeling, kissing, breasts, different positions etc, so overall much better experience.


What do other people think ? Or is my penis still desensitized to a point where I think the STU actually feels better.

11 months later... success. Happy new year!

Nice to see there's been some interest on this thread, looks like one of the most read on the forums I guess my problem's not so unique. Lurkers, we're not alone!

It's been a busy year, and my fleshlight actually hasn't played much of a part in it. I haven't used it in a long time - basically it never ended up feeling better than plain old masturbation to me, and while my GF was pretty curious about it we never got around to playing with it.

So. First sex of the new year, specifically hadn't played with myself in three or four days (except to tease... that's kind of fun - it's all about self control and makes it even better when you finally orgasm), about 20 minutes and two positions into it (doggy style seems to be the most rewarding), I came.

We've had a fair bit of sex before this (pretty much every other weekend we'd be going at it), but always ended up pretty much masturbating each other to release. She's only managed to get me off a couple of times with handjobs too, although she's getting a lot closer (read: slowly teaching her to play with me like I do so it feels the same).

I think my problem was psychological as well as the physical sensation... along with the constant masturbation I was also quite a porn hound. My GF's pretty hawt, but y'know, nobody in real life is going to measure up to some porn star you've idolised for years. You can tell yourself anything you like when you're jacking off to porn, but unless/until the girl you're sleeping with in real life is absolutely utterly the hottest person you could imagine yourself with at that given moment, you're going to have trouble getting off using nothing but her pussy.

One other thing that helped a lot - I went to the supermarket on the way to pick up some condoms, thinking I'd try and get some more close-fit ones (for those tuning in late, I'm well under average and regular 52mm width condoms can tend to wrinkle up a bit on me), but couldn't see any on the shelf, and utterly on impulse bought some Ansell Zeros. I've tried their "ultra-thin" condoms before, but fuck, they're not kidding when they say it feels like there's nothing there - I had to stop and check a couple of times to make sure I hadn't somehow lost it. Guys stuck using condoms: Do some research and get the thinnest one you can, it's worth it.

So... any questions? Thoughts from anyone else who has/had the same problem? I'll keep checking back for comments, apparently this is a bigger issue for people than I expected so I'd welcome discussion.

f1player: Not sure if you're still around on the forums, but congrats man. I have absolutely no idea how you kept from jerking it for eleven days straight, you must have epic willpower. I don't think avoiding masturbation is the whole long-term story, that'd raise sensitivity for sure, but also convincing your dick the real thing feels just as good. Practice makes perfect.

Mick1: I think that's pretty good advice about trying different positions. One or both of us tiring out before I managed to cum has always been annoying. The best one we've found is indeed doggystyle, me basically kneeling upright and her propped up with some pillows/elbows. The less you have to hold yourself up while going at it, the longer your muscles will last in that position. Alcohol/tobacco/etc hasn't been a factor for us, though obviously it could have been.